Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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