I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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