my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
