How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
