I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
