you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just had sex bonerless
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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