Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
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90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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