there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
