My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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