maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
