Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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