she was so not down for the gang bang
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
