U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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