The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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