Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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