I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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