No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
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David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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