my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
