you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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