you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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