I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
