The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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