I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
