I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We are two peas in an std pod
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
