Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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