yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
