I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
