Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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