Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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