Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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