You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize