i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
