He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
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Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
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The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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