i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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