I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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