i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
