we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
