Texts From Last Night

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  (847): View more from Illinois

  At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

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  (847): At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face. http://tfl.nu/zq8n
  Replies (73) Good night (1272) Bad night (8106)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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  (709): She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship. http://tfl.nu/de5k
  Replies (22) Good night (7035) Bad night (1189)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

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  (919): Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk. http://tfl.nu/sxlu
  Replies (11) Good night (1195) Bad night (5262)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

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  (903): I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again. http://tfl.nu/pun6
  Replies (39) Good night (4434) Bad night (987)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

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  (708): I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious. http://tfl.nu/uku0
  Replies (16) Good night (1678) Bad night (3382)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

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  (586): plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you http://tfl.nu/ddyv
  Replies (13) Good night (2805) Bad night (1213)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

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  (410): I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic http://tfl.nu/vj3a
  Replies (4) Good night (2667) Bad night (701)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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  (806): Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk. (1-806): Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess. http://tfl.nu/c175
  Replies (15) Good night (2599) Bad night (1197)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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  (860): We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn. http://tfl.nu/ndq7
  Replies (4) Good night (2907) Bad night (671)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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  (570): I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo. http://tfl.nu/a7p8
  Replies (3) Good night (1215) Bad night (690)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

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  (218): You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk. http://tfl.nu/cpk7
  Replies (9) Good night (830) Bad night (479)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.

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  (309): I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison. http://tfl.nu/fqll
  Replies (2) Good night (679) Bad night (360)
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  (619): View more from California

  You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

  (1-619): View more from California

  Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

  (619): View more from California

  ...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

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  (619): You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing (1-619): Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this (619): ...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down... http://tfl.nu/uvgk
  Replies (4) Good night (1284) Bad night (537)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.

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  (870): I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college. http://tfl.nu/y415
  Replies (3) Good night (484) Bad night (250)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.

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  (917): Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air. http://tfl.nu/q0rt
  Replies (3) Good night (408) Bad night (162)

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