I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.