I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
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Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now