Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
