You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
