Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You ate ashes out of my bong
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
