Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
