I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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