and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My ass is underappreciated
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
