I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
