That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
