my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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