She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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