If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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