I didn't shave. On purpose
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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