saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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