Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
