I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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