I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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