Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
