Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
