you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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